My "ah-ha" Moment: Part 1 - November 10, 2009

So some background on this note and the ones following. I wrote this as somewhat of a "journal entry" about two weeks ago (but at the time had every intention of posting it, then began to think too much so delayed on posting it as I so often do). I was having a difficult time accepting all that God was doing in my life and that everything that was happening was for the benefit of me. I was sitting in my living room talking to a friend on Facebook (and laughing at the fact that our neighbors had just pulled their mustang up into the middle of our yard) and it hit me. I've debated on posting it for a few reasons: part was because it is somewhat of a "personal" note and part of it was because I don't want people to think I'm venting or that I want them to think highly of me for "figuring out" something that people struggle with in life and that is just how stinking much God loves each and every one of us. One of my roommates and I sat and talked this past weekend about how God sent Jesus to die for US; every single person on this earth. Even if it had just been me on this earth, God still would have sent his only pure true son to be a sacrifice for me and be nailed to a cross. He'd do that for ANY SINGLE ONE OF US!!! This note and the ones following are meant to help people who may be struggling with some of the thoughts and struggles I've been dealing with. That is the purpose. If you think it is a dumb idea, feel free to voice that opinion, otherwise let me know what you think anyways (even if you don't think it is dumb). SO, here ya go. I'm breaking it up and will post some every now and then (hopefully like every other day at least). If you don't think I'm crazy, thank you. If you think I'm nuts............ well too bad :)
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“Don’t you love those moments when it just hits you? Something just hits you and you finally “get it” even if you really don’t because you know you will never completely understand it?”---Questions I posed to my friend Jordan. His response was a simple “lol”.

“I think that just happened, no joke…” I paused. “God isn’t punishing me… He is jealous for me. He loves me”…nothing from Jordan so I continue. “I’ve always known it but I didn’t know it, ya know? Like, I know Jesus died for me and that is ultimately how God showed us He loves us, but I never actually KNEW. I never “let him” love me past that point. I felt like everything happening to me was or is a punishment when it is something I PERCEIVE as bad. If it is something good, of course, it is his love. A series of very FORTUNATE events the past few weeks (now a month ago) has helped me realize this (because pathetically I never realized it before). I asked God if he loved me, asked God to SHOW me love (selfish I know) and that everything that happens is because he loves me, not because he is punishing me for “screwing up”. He answered that prayer. He answered it multiple times in multiple ways. I want to love Jesus the same way He loves me, even though I know I am not capable of loving that way. Ya know what I mean Gene?”

Jordan responds “lol. yeah”


The past month has been a struggle, one I couldn’t see the point in. It was a month that had me thinking God doesn’t always love me, that I screwed up somewhere by not being a good friend, giving into temptations with addictions that I can’t get away from, and I felt that God was punishing me for it.

The past month has rocked my world in both good and bad ways. All I could do at times was focus on the “bad ways” it affected me. I could only focus on the “falling away” of a friend that I can’t make decisions for, care for, “fix”, or “keep alive”. I could only focus on the past: the way I was treated in some relationships, physically and emotionally, and the verbal abuse that came with some of them. I could only focus on the change in my lifestyle and living circumstances that came with the diagnosis of diabetes on New Year’s Eve my senior year of college, the way I had to change every eating, sleeping, and workout habit and how inconvenient that is for a 22 year old college senior who has really only known one way to live for the past 22 years. I could only focus on how that changed AGAIN even more a month ago with a visit to the ER because the way that I changed before wasn’t good enough any more and about the pain, money, needles, and frustrations that would be spent on me for the rest of my life because I haven’t been good enough at taking care of myself.

I failed at living and taking care of myself and God was punishing me for it, right? I could only focus on how I view my life as “crappy” and how I think I suck sometimes and how the mention of counseling from a friend I love would make me feel like I sucked even more because obviously it was apparent to others how much I sucked at life; my best friends were suggesting counseling and counseling is for crazy people, at least according to society, and I worry more about what other people think before I worry about what God thinks. THEN I think about how I know that that’s wrong because Galatians 1:10 says we are here to please God before man but here I am worrying more about people before God and therefore I suck again because I failed at one of the things that the Bible says and that is that we should trust God before man (see also Jeremiah 17:5-6).

But I didn’t stop to pay attention to the good things; the things that God was working on in me through all of this. I am sitting here listening to my music on iTunes and it just so happens that the current song playing is “How He Loves”. Over and over again Kim Walker sings “Oh, how he loves us so. Oh, how he loves us, how he loves us so.” The part of the song that sticks out to me: “He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy. When all of a sudden I am unaware of the afflictions eclipsed by glory and I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me. And oh, how he loves us so. Oh how he loves us, how he loves us so.” And now, all I can do is just sit here and think of how much God loves me. It is one of the greatest feelings in the world. (In the notes to come I will tell you a little more about it and how I’ve come to this conclusion so stay tuned).

The past month has been a struggle; it’s been something else for sure. And now I look back at the positives and they definitely outweigh the negatives listed previously. Those of you who tell me to focus on the goods are probably sitting there thinking “well duh” and need to give me a break because I’m stubborn and a little slow sometimes. Now I’m recapping the past few weeks and EVERYTHING, good and bad, that has happened, and how God used this to reveal his love and himself to me. He has used ALL of it, good and bad, to show me just a glimpse of how much he truly loves me.