Deb and I continue talking about God and I how feel about Him. I tell her how the week before felt like punishment to me, like I had done something wrong and that I was so blinded by the thought of God punishing me I just couldn’t see how He loved me. At the end we sat and prayed a silent prayer waiting for God to talk to us. Waiting and listening for God to speak just like when he tells us to be still in Psalm 46. I felt weird and all I could do is sit and cry and think of how awkward I felt. Then Deb shared what come to her: Psalm 18:1-19. She walked me through the passage and how God is jealous for me, how He loves me and how angry He is when evil takes its place in our lives; not that He is angry with me but the evil, then how He is our rescuer and that He delights in me.
My turn: The song that popped into my head was “How He Loves.” She went on to share how God is in love with me ad how God doesn’t punish us. Then Deb says something to me that I had seen written on a packet my friend gave me the week before: “God doesn’t DO it, but He ALLOWS it.” Light-bulb comes on! She continues, “Sharina, He doesn’t cause the bad things in our life to happen, but he allows it to happen so we can grow and learn to trust him. It helps build the endurance and perseverance talked about in James 1 (a passage Rae so kindly told me to read and think about just a short week before). He loves you dear. He is jealous for you and loves you.” End of conversation. Still didn’t sink in; I’m still blinded by my frustration and may actually have felt more frustrated leaving than I did arriving to our meeting.
Wednesday goes by in a flash. I know that I was anti-social at work. Really I was just having difficulties sorting through my thoughts. It was a beautiful day outside, I was easily distracted at the thought of texting my roommate about going on a walk that evening but I ended up not doing it. I figured she probably had better things to do. Ends up she asked me to go on a walk with her and one of the other roommates. We go and admire the beautiful colors of fall. When we get back to the house I apologize for being anti-social and not answering her question the night before about my meeting with Deb. I proceed to break down and spill my frustration through tears to her. She is so stinkin awesome and has been on the receiving end of these conversations with me so many times before. I spend the evening at home and do something I haven’t done in a while: play the guitar and sing my heart out to Jesus.
Fast forward to Thursday. Roommate Alyssa and I arrive home from work and chit-chat, not about my frustrations or her’s but just talk about random things that lead off on a tangent to some other random topic. We work our way through food discussions and family and how she is going to have two sets of triplets just because right now she wants to adopt… I tell her God may have other plans for her and what would she do if it was triplets? Somehow the conversation turned to my inability to let go of my past and let God control my life. Somehow my inability to trust God ended up as an analogy of me being like a snapping turtle: The only way to get me to let go is to cut off my head. I have to die to myself before I can trust God.
I head off to Navs not remembering what the topic for the evening was going to be and I was too lazy to look at the email. OH WELL!! Pastor Ratliff from Faith E Free starts his talk on…:: DRUM ROLL::… the jealousy of God! He talks through Exodus 20 and the second commandment. Verse 5 sticks out a little bit “…for I the Lord your God am a jealous God…:. We move next to Hosea. Ratliff talks about how Hosea’s jealousy for Gomer, the prostitute God told him to take as his wife and marry. He explains the parallels of Hosea’s love for Gomer to God’s love of Israel. Hosea’s jealousy for Gomer pushed him to BUY HER BACK after she had gone and betrayed him. The Pastor continues to work his way through Hosea and how God is jealous for us. He is jealous enough that He PAID FOR US WITH THE BLOOD OF HIS OWN SON!!! The final set of scripture: 2 Corinthians 11—we are the Bride of Christ. God betrothed us to Jesus and is worth being faithful to. Verse 2 says “…I feel a divine jealousy for you…”. The worship squad takes the stage and the first song they play: How He Loves. Seeing a theme yet? God doesn’t want to punish me. He has an affection for me that nothing and nobody else can stop from being shown or show me.
Friday night was my friend’s birthday party. I feel bad because they were going to Old Chicago’s to celebrate but I need to stop eating out and can’t afford to go. He says he understands. My friend Rachel finds out, offers to pay for my supper, and then I kind of want to cry. We have a blast at Old Chicago. I was invited to a Halloween party but don’t go because I need to think through some things. While I’m sitting at my house that night I’m looking at some pictures a friend is selling to raise money for a little girl in Africa. I get to the one I really like and am contemplating buying it when I notice the verse written on it.
1 John 4:18 “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”
I sleep on it, not sure what to think. I’m only able to think of how exhausted I suddenly feel so I go to bed. God, are you trying to tell me something? I wake up Saturday morning and receive a slightly unexpected call from Ghana Africa from my friend Benedict. I miss Benedict and his loudness and the way he prays. He asks if he can pray for me. I get a dose of his prayer and passion for Jesus and realize that my day has started out with a true blessing. A few hours later I receive yet a SECOND call from Ghana from my friend Sampson, asking how I’m doing and to check up on me: one more blessing to start my day. While talking to my friends Paul and Jordan on Facebook it then dawns on me. Paul and I are discussing the past few days and I begin having my little, but not so little, epiphany. Both of us, almost at the same time, say we think God is trying to tell me something. I then realize God is SHOWING me. God answered, and is still answering (months later) my prayer, “God, can you show me?”
Moral of the story: God loves me and He is jealous for me. He is jealous for all of us, we just don’t always know how to accept His jealousy and love for us. There is going to be a struggle, it says so all over the Bible (some passages I’ve recently read through: Psalm 18, 1 Peter (everywhere), 2 Corinthians 1, and James (everywhere)). Pray for me and this emotional/mental/spiritual battle. Pray for yourself and for other people who have/are/will feel the way that I’ve felt: like God is punishing them. Pray He reveals His love and mercy to you and them the way He has to me. He loves us friends, with an unfathomable and uncontrollable love that we will NEVER understand. Thank you!!!
~Sharina Marie
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